wasshefree

fuuuuuuuuuuck
my life.

I'm going back to SMFA, Boston in September.
And I don't know what's going to happen when I leave...
But I'm going to make the best of it.

Oh.

So I've been a bit of a busy body with making things lately...

Unfortunately, for the most part I've only been starting the projects...not so much finishing them.



That is only a closeup of the goldfish. For details.

Today I did start and finish something. It's hanging over my bed because my walls have been bare and driving me nutsssoooo



I suddenly felt inspiredddd =)
I had somewhat of a revelation earlier today, since I've had so much time to myself to just think about stuff the past few days...and I realized that right now I'm really happy with that part of my life. Like really truly happy.

I want another tattoo...but i can decide what of...

I've been in bed sick for like five days now...since which I've had a fever or three, swollen tonsils, upset stomach, and massive headaches...preeetty sweet.

I'm pretty much bored out of my mind at this point.

Charlotte Russe is going well.
I like everyone there
I'm done christmas shopping yayyy!
I only spent, like, $700....aka almost all of my money ha

I hung out with Jess todayy and she went with me to get my hair cut (so short!)
pictures soon
I'm happy with it though ha I don't hate myself like i usually do after a haircut

woo

I'm an idiot

Assassin's Creed>Colleen
Guitar Hero 3>Colleen
Halo 3>Colleen
Awkward/boring friend who lives 10 minutes away>Colleen
Gamerscore Points>Colleen

Colleen has a jobbbb
at Charlotte Russe in the mall
I start today. 3-close.
moneymoneymoneymooneeey

I really wish I knew what I was doing with my life.

So Anthony's new job SUCKS.
He worked 9pm to, like, 3 last night...he picked me up at 3:45am and we both slept at his house until like 1pm today.
Then today he had to meet one of the other people at a rest stop on the parkway at like 630 and he won't be back at his car until 5am, then he's sleeping here and he won't even be here until 5:30 or 6 probably...if his car doesn't get towed.
It's a little bit fucking ridiculous.

Jasmine stopped by my house last night. I hadn't seen her in foreverrr and it nice talking to her again.

Today we went out to dinner for my dad's birthday.

Josh's birthday in four days.

Halloween in five.

Life after high school is sooo boring.

IIII can't sleep I'm so boooored!

Anthony got a job. Working for his ex girlfriend's dad.
It's good money though, so I'm happy for him.

I can't wait until I recover completely and can get a job. I need money and something to do with myself.

Halloween is coming up and I don't know if I'm excited or not.

Freehold is a ghost town now. It's just me josh helen and anthony.

My mom hates me. Surprise.
She only wants me to be away at school so I'm not here to get in her way.
So I basically live at Anthony's house now because the DiCaro's are a real family and they make me feel like a part of it and it makes me feel like I belong somewhere, unlike my house.
Anthony's mom even told him that I'm like family now, and it made me feel really good and almost makes up for my family sucking so much and really not giving a shit about my best interest or what makes me happy. I really love that Anthony's family sits down together almost every evening and has a homecooked meal together. They all actually love eachother and I'm so jealous that they got to grow up with that and I never got to feel at home in my own house like that.

I wish I could sleep.

So I came home from the hospital this morning...surgery was weird...
Well not so much the surgery, but the drugs they give you to knock you out before the surgery...i dont even remember leaving the holding area to go to the OR...the last thing i remember is the guy telling me he was putting the stuff in my iv and the next thing i knew i could hear all the stuff going on in the recovery room and my stomach fuckingg hurting and zolo's mom's voice (she was one of the nurses in recovery), then i guess i passed out again and i finally woke up in my hospital room in less pain than the first time i woke up...

Whenever anyone visited me the two days I was there, though, i would be asleep and wake up with them standing over me ha...like the first people to come in were anthony and his mom, and i was sleeping and i heard anthony say "is it okay to wake her up?" and i woke up real fast haha he and his mom brought me a cookie cake that they made, and ant wrote "surgey (yes, surgey haha <3) wasn't so bad" on it in that gel stuff they make for cakes...it was really cute haha...

then yesterday helen and tom post came in when i was sleeping, which i wasnt really expecting haha...it was really nice seeing them though.

but yeah there were lots of needles AH while i was there...that was soo not fun haha but im really glad to be home..

Rocco has been guarding me, ha, i'm sleeping in the tv room and hes sleeping in here with me and whenever i get up to go to the bathroom or something he follows me everywhere i go, and whenever he's been on the couch with me he's been really gentle. i think it's really cool how dogs can tell when theres something wrong like that...like he can tell that i'm weak and in pain or w/e like my he was on my lap before and he was being really gentle almost like he knew that my stomach hurt...hes such a good puppyyyy haha i cant take it!

5 days until surgery.
who the fuck cares.

Mortality is becoming more and more real to me every day lately.

Dear Freehold Borough High School Students/Graduates,

Please stop fucking dying in motor vehicle accidents.

Love, Colleen

It feels like it's just falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it.

so i was in the ER all last night in boston...

apparently i have a birth defect where my right kidney grew in in a weird place, so the tube that connects that kidney to my bladder is blocked off or something. most painful thing i've ever experienced- nottt exagerating.

so i have to get surgery to either open up the tube more or to get the kidney taken out all together. i am currently on percaset (sp?) and i'm so glad that it's working. i've been in a ridiculous amount of pain for the last two days and it's really great to have it go away for 4-6 hours at a time...

so my mom drove up the hospital in boston last night, and we both ended up spenind the entire night there. so we left this morning, got back at like 2-ish...anthony came over for, like, two hours...went to hang out with his friend chris til god knows how late.

and now helen and josh are stopping by in a bit to see how i'm doing.

i'm probably dropping out of school this semester because of how much time i'm going to be spending in the hospital here in jersey, so whoo it worked out for me somehow. ha

...can't sleep.

had watercolor today...i like that class.

art history tomorrow...i dont want to go. i hate it.

shitty mood today. it just seems like every decision i make fucks things up, no matter how small the decision is.

ughhh =(

i just wanna go home.

so the next 2-3 weeks are completely up in the air and i hate it.

Just got back to the apartment in Boston...
weekend was okay. kinda shitty though, cause my parents told me that i had to stick out this semester at smfa before i could come home or anything, or i could drop out and come home now or whenever i want before the end of this semester and they would cut me off financially and i would have to work fulltime for god knows how long just to put myself through brookdale.

So basically I'm stuck here until December...i hate it.

But aside from my parentsss, the weekend was pretty good...

I got to the metropark station late wednesday night, and when i came down the stairs from the train platform anthony was waiting in the tunnel thing for mee and he was dressed all cute and he had rachel straighten his hair the night before so he looked all classy and it was nice to see him first thing when i came down the stairs...

then i slept at his house that nighttt and his mom made us egg sandwiches in the morning...and then i slept at his house again on thursday night and on friday we were supposed to sleep at my house but that was the day that my parents were like hey we're assholes go be unhappy in boston all by yourself, so i was pretty upset and anthony decided that we would take a long walk from my house back to his (allllll the way across townnnn hahaha), it actually made me feel a lot better. so then we made chocolate chip cookies from scratch when we finallyyyy got to his house lol and they were really good...then we slept there again. saturday my family was at a wedding in PA so ant and i hung out at my house and kept the puppies company and we both tried to do our homework, then i went to wawa with helen and josh for a bit, and then ant and i slept at my house last night. then this morning the two of us went out to breakfast...we just went to a diner, but it was pretty good.

thenn...i had to leave. for boston. and noww i'm miserable again. until the next time i can come home for a weekend.